Well that’s a real cut-and-dried title, isn’t it? Doesn’t it sound so easy? Maybe if you have a heart of stone with feelings that can be turned off and on, from hot to cold, it is – but unfortunately, most women don’t and most women can’t. Being cheated on feels like a slap in the face – first, you are frolicking around in your happy little life, thinking the guy you’re with worships the ground you walk on, and you got it all and you’re so pretty and so lucky and so loved – and the next thing you know, you’re feeling like mud on the ground, as ugly as dirt, as unwanted as trash, and as stupid as a fool. Why did you ever think you could be so special anyway? And what is wrong with you… why did he pick her? And how could you have lost someone so special to you… and does it have to be over? And why, oh why, did this happen to you?
A million thoughts may be running through your head on what you did to cause this to happen, on what you could have done differently, on what you can change now to get him “back” again, on how you can hurt him – or hurt the one he was with – or on the embarrassment you feel and what you should say to people who find out! Will they be sympathetic? Or will they look at you like you were a fool? Did they know even before you did?! It’s humiliating!
Take Your Emotions One at a Time
There are a lot of bases to cover. Let’s list just a few.
- You’ve got questions that only he can answer. You need to know why he cheated. You need to know if this was the first time, or if there were other times as well. You need to know how long this has been going on behind your back – so you can know how long he has played you for a fool and how long he has disrespected you and lied to you. You need to know if he’s in love with her, and you may feel silly for wondering it, but you need to know if he’s in love with you (despite all appearances that he probably doesn’t care at all). You still need to know.
- The next emotion you are going to have to deal with is helplessness. Not only will you feel helpless in understanding why this happened (because the guy who did this to you may not even give you straight answers or be of any consolation at all), but you’re also helpless in the sense that you don’t know what to expect. You don’t know if you’re getting back together. You don’t know if you’re going to be friends. You don’t know when you’re going to even see each other again, or what either of you are going to say. You don’t know anything, and you don’t know what other emotions to expect – sorrow, anger, depression, grief, hope, desperation, confusion – nothing is certain anymore – not your emotions nor how you will spend your time or with whom.
- “What can I do to get him back?” This is a double-meaning question. At times, you may want to drive him crazy with jealousy and make him wish with all his might he had you back again. You may want to flaunt your stuff in front of him at a party, go out with his worst enemy, or ignore any calls you may get from him just to make him wonder where you are. On the other hand, how to “get him back” may be thought of in the sense of revenge… you don’t necessarily want him to come back to you, you just want to make him pay for what he did… and both of these are normal feelings.
Limit Your Thoughts to Reality
The sneakiest of destructive behavior (unlike obvious destructive acts, such as self-inflicted wounds, drinking, doing drugs or dating other people on the rebound) is to engage in unrealistic thoughts… and it’s also the most natural.
Most women find the thing that hurts them the most when someone cheats is that they wanted something with all their heart that was ruined… and this disappointment is so heartbreaking and painful, that it makes them feel better to think it can somehow be that way again – that their love lives can be as wonderful as they imagined them to be. Perhaps you’ve been in love with the idea of having a “sweetheart” forever, someone who loved you, wrote poetry, thought you were beautiful, said all the special things to you that you wanted to hear – and you were going to build a life together, and to give this up is heartbreaking to you, so you keep grieving for it and crying because it can never be… and then in other moments, you stop sniffling and crying and glance at your phone and wait for him to call to say he’s sorry – because then, things can go back to the way they should be…
Please don’t engage in unrealistic thoughts. Limit your thoughts to reality. Did you ever wish you could have someone who would be unfaithful to you? Is that your dream? Do you lie awake at night wishing for someone who will care so little about you that he abandons you? That is nobody’s dream! Take a good look at this guy – he’s not what you want. Chasing after him would be as smart as squeezing oranges when all you wish for is apple juice… it’s a useless and pointless pursuit.
You’re going to miss him… you can expect that. There were things you loved about him, places you went, times you had, that you are bound to think about – that’s just normal – that doesn’t mean you’ll never get over him or that your feelings won’t ever fade. Mark today’s date on a calendar and don’t talk to him for thirty days. Just concentrate on making lists of what you want – happiness, peace, love, beauty, fun, traveling – whatever you want. Concentrate on you. At the end of thirty days, you’ll be amazed to see how pointless it was to think you’d never get over him… There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s you.
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